on the brink

lately ive felt so close to taking down multis...these massive fields can get frustrating but ive had lots of good solid deep runs almost every night...i just havent gotten over the hump....tonight i was deep in the 10pm 25k guaren on tilt and i got 10th for 200+ and first place was 6k...like this jump is fine but when you play so long and beat out 1200 players 10th to 1st feels so close ...the past few deep runs i had been super active and ended up in big hands with marginal holdings....this time i slowed down and i wasnt in super raise mode....i chilled and picked up pots uncontested almost the whole way threw...my tiny raise was working....i raised 2.2x with jj utg and a2 moved in on me then again with jj i took a guy out with ak....i figured ppl would start to respect my raise but next rounds im all in aa vs a10 and kk vs aj.....good cards and no talent needed i felt i was prime for another deep run....something happened though and im not sure exactly what it was ....i feel like nothing happened an all of a sudden i went from being 4th out of 25ppl to gone 10th after surviving being short for most of the 2 tablings.....i had 200k and blinds were 3-6k....i lost a 70-30 but it was only for 50k ...so what can i blame this loss on....i dont even know.....ever hand i raised i stole the blinds....every time someone called me preflop i won the the pot on the flop.....did i sit back too much....i feel like i played perfect ...yet a few rounds go by adn we are 5 handed and with 90k utg i move jtoff with the blinds at 5-10k....like 4.5m which 5 handed is pretty short and lost to ak...pretty standard...but how did i get to this point....i cant quite put my thumb on it.....owell....tired tonight.....i wanted to concentrate on only the big tournies today but after busting in the brawl early and seeing a few good miniftops i ended up playing the full slate....for a migical up 20$....feels worse than down sometimes.....on ft bubble i was a river 3 outter away from being at ft....stupid short stacks doubling up costed me 200 bucks atleast and ted a few more as he had 15%.....i feel bad becausei havent linked him with a huge cash in a long time.....i need to start pulling my weight....also need to play more....cash in intermittent days i think could help on a low stakes basis.....i hate having other shit to do...its so easy to let poker take a back seat......this wsnt meant to be a debbie downer post ...i guess im just stressed about funds with this condo and shit pillling up.....owell with all these deep runs im bound to take down a big dirty soon....on a postive note nfl is back on and i have enough bets with seb to make things interesting also fnatasy football.....too bad i gamble like 20 bucks on footbal and it gets my full attention and poker i gamble 300 a day and it gets like 25% of my attention....i wish i had a crew of poker buddies and we lived like those fags in vegas on that show 2 month 2mill.....this is a cry out for motivation......ted lets get somethign going...keith bo anyone fuckkkk..